episode 213
“How can I be my own victim?”
On Ask Kati Anything, your mental health podcast episode 213, licensed therapist Kati Morton talks about what it means to be your own victim, and how that can be used as a way to victim blame. She then explains avoidant attachment and how it can affect our therapy process, what to do if we are an introvert but also lonely, and how to help a partner dealing with trauma nightmares. She discusses the difference between agoraphobia and complex PTSD, and the effects of having a parent laugh at our self harm struggles.
This is a transcript of Ask Kati Anything podcast episode your mental health podcast #213 Please note that the transcript is computer generated, and may have errors.
Ask Kati Anything episode #213
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Ask Kati Anything. I'm your host. Licensed marriage and family therapist, Kati Morton. I'm so glad that you're here. In today's episode, I'm going to talk about what it means to be your own victim and how that can be used as a way to victim blame. I'm also going to explain of wind attachment and how that can affect our therapeutic process. Then I'm going to talk about what to do if we're an introvert, but we also feel really lonely and how we can help a partner who's having trauma flashbacks and nightmares. Then I'm going to discuss the difference between agoraphobia and complex PTSD and the effects of having a parent laugh at our self-harm struggles. Without further ado, or actually, I want to tell you that if you're looking to kickstart your mental health process, if you're looking to feel better about yourself and try to get things going, maybe you're on a waitlist to see a therapist. I have a ton of workshops available for purchase on my website at katimorton.com and they're on sale right now. I have everything from Boundaries workshop to attachment to an inner child workshop, all sorts of different types, even one about how to create goals and and build your best life ever. So there's a ton of different resources and tools, downloadable worksheets. They're usually around 2 hours long and they're incredibly helpful, incredibly beneficial, and a great way to get started. So you can go over to Katimorton.com and check those out if you're looking for more connection with our community. I offer monthly live streams, four of them over here on YouTube memberships, also on Patreon. There's other ways to be connected. You can check me out in any of those locations. Without further ado, let's jump into these xs.
Now, question number one says Kati, How can people say that you are your own victim? I have depression and low to no self-esteem. I'm trying to make better through therapy and CBT, DBT practices, etc.. However, recently my friend told me that I am my own victim, which I kind of get because of my self-esteem issues. But my depression is not a choice. It's not like I wake up every morning and say, I want to feel shitty about everything today. In CBT, we learn that you can only control your own behavior. But what am I doing wrong to still feel depressed if I'm following the so-called rulebooks and doing opposite action, thought, questioning, etc. And I still feel depressed frequently. I'm on medications, have attended outpatient therapy, and I go to therapy weekly now for almost two years. So how am I choosing to be depressed again? Thanks, Kati. I love your show. Well, first, I want to say that you are not choosing to be depressed. That's not how depression happens. That's not how it works. Right. We know this. mental health is just like physical depression is like catching a common cold. It's one of the most common mental illnesses, second only to anxiety. But you're doing everything in your power to feel better, and unfortunately, you still feel bad. And so my encouragement really is for you to tell your psychiatrist you still feel bad. Let's consider switching medications up. Maybe we do the cheek swab to find out what types of medications work best for our body. It's not with 100% certainty, but it helps. We could also potentially try a different style of therapy. DVT and CBT is great. Obviously, you know that those are my favorite, but sometimes we don't just need the tools. We need to get this out of our body. Maybe we need more somatic stuff, maybe we need some EMDR to kind of process through some of those tough self-esteem, depression thoughts or memories. You know, I'm just throwing ideas out there, but my encouragement is to please talk to your psychiatrist and potentially try a different type of medication. Now, some things that can commonly happen with medications is they work upfront and then we poop out, meaning that they just aren't as effective anymore. And it's not anything that we've done. Our brain just kind of gets used to the medication. And maybe, I don't know if this is true for all poop outs, but it's almost like it builds up a tolerance and it just doesn't work anymore. And so we might need to switch. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just part of the process. And so we really need a lot of psychiatrist know we're experiencing this and see if there are other types of medications. There's so many new medications out for depression now, so it isn't going to hurt for you to ask. And let's really look for that, because my goal for all of my patients is for them to have alleviation of their symptoms. Will we feel depressed from time to time of course, that's normal life. We're going to feel kind of icky because that's our kind of like our weakness. You know how when you catch a cold, you always catch like the same kind of cold. Like for me, I always get like a strep throat type of thing. Sean always gets like bronchitis in his chest. That's kind of where the cold will go if I'm not able to take care of it quickly. Right. There's no difference with the depression. We have kind of like a weakness or a predisposition for depressive symptoms. So when we start to feel kind of bad, we're going to still need to use our tools. But my goal is for you not to feel depressed for very long and for it not to happen very frequently. It kind of pops in. We manage it, it goes away. And because you're still feeling this way, we need to get you a different type of treatment. So ask your psychiatrist. Let's see what medications are out there to help you because you're doing all the therapeutic stuff. But something is still not quite right for you and it doesn't feel good. And my goal is for you to feel good. So back to your main question. How can people say that you you are your own victim? I've been seen this go around the Internet a lot, and I think it's because there was a quote that was shared and I'm going to probably butcher it, but it was something to the effect of like, it's important that you take that you acknowledge your own role in your victimhood or something like that. And what I think people mean is that if we're not doing anything to change the behavior, to change how we interact, we're not working to improve ourselves, then the inaction is actually supporting the pain and the victim. But does that make sense? It's almost like I probably wouldn't use these exact words like, you know, you're your own victim. I might say, you know, you're not making any strides to change and then you're complaining about how things are. We all have friends and people in our life that are like that. They're like, want to lash out at everybody else and blame everybody else, but don't want to take any ownership over it themselves. And that's when you're playing to own your own role in your victimhood, when you just want to sit there, not do anything about it and blame other people and complain about it. Right? I get that. But that doesn't take into account mental illness, right? Mental illness is like physical illness. We don't choose to have depression, like you said. So how do you how am I choosing to be depressed? Well, know you're doing everything you can so you actually aren't playing any role in or like you aren't your own victim for to use their words, you're doing everything you can to to stop feeling like this and it's just not getting better. And that sucks. But I believe that quote or that terminology that people keep using online and probably maybe where your friend heard it, is that the the inaction, the fact that people don't do things to change. And I think it's a very harmful type of statement to be passing around. I don't really like it because it does lead to victim blaming. And then we're telling people who've had a really rough go in life or struggle with mental illness that they play their own role. And I will say, yes, if we're not working on ourselves, in some ways we are playing our own role. We are wounding ourselves with our behavior. You know, a lot of us self-sabotage will admit, Hey, I did this to myself, but that doesn't make the pain any less. And it just feels very minimizing, very invalidating and very hurtful. And I'm so sorry that your friend said this. I would encourage you, which I'm assuming you wouldn't feel comfortable doing or saying, because you said you struggle with self esteem. But my pushback as like your therapist, you protect her, would be to say something like, I'm working my ass off and because I still feel shitty, that doesn't mean that I am my own victim. I'm trying really hard. It's just really hard to get out of this. And the fact that you don't understand that I find really hurtful, you know, that's really the truth. So all in all, you are not your own. You're not playing a role in your own victimhood. You are not your own victim. You're having a hard time and you're doing everything you can to feel better. And you need to give yourself some credit. And I might even question whether this friendship is one that's healthy for you at this moment. Doesn't mean that person can't do better, be better. I feel like we probably should say something about how hurtful that was, even if it is just to say, Hey, that really hurt my feelings. I don't you know, I'm doing my best. If that's all we can mutter, at least say that. But then I might minimize the amount of time you spend with them because you're working really hard. And we need to have people in our lives that are rooting for us, that are noticing the hard work and saying, You got this, it'll get better. Hang in there. You know, supporting it versus victim blaming. There was a comment on this as I totally get this. The discouragement that comes from feeling like you're doing all the things and still not feeling better as an add on, how do you know if you're actually improving or the amount of support that you're getting regularly is enough? How do you know if you need to reach out for more support? To be truthful, if we're doing everything we can, we're seeing all the people, the therapy, the psychiatrist, the dietitian. If we're struggling with eating disorders or eating issues, we're doing all the things and we still aren't feeling better. And when I mean better, I don't mean 100%, but we're not moving towards it, then we should probably get some more support because therapy is challenging. I don't want anybody to think that we like, heal overnight, recover in a week or in five sessions, but we should feel challenged. It can be it can get worse before it gets better. First, we're pushing and then you should start to feel like, Hey, I have some tools I can use, I have some things that I can do. Instead, we start to feel a little bit better. And so if you've been doing the same thing for at least six months and you're not seeing any progress, no tools that are working, no better ways for you to manage, you aren't on medication that's starting to work. There's nothing go and it's getting worse, worse, worse, worse. Or you're just feeling like you're plateauing. That's when we probably need to get more help. And I'm not saying that things have to move quickly, but you should feel at least empowered to make better decisions. And if we don't feel that, then we maybe need different types of care, more intensive care, any of those things.
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Okay. We'll get on to question number two. This says, Hi, Kati. I struggle with avoidant attachment. We'll talk about what that is. I'm struggling with feeling like my therapist doesn't actually care about me and I have to push and pull or I have a push pull urge to cancel all of my appointments, but also I want to increase my appointments. Does this mean she's not a good match? Or how do I work through this with her? I'm going to be honest. This has nothing to do with her, and I know that that sounds weird in a lot of times. I tell you guys like, Hey, you probably should see someone different. No, this is attachment based. But I would argue it's not so much avoidant as it is disorganized. And someone in the comment below this mentioned that. Kudos to you. So I want to explain a little bit about avoidant attachment and then disorganized so that you can see why I think it's more disorganized. So avoidant attachment styles, when we we really have a difficult time with emotional intimacy, any kind of trust between people. And we can even struggle with independence. So we kind of like fear, vulnerability. We kind of prefer to know more about other people than than them knowing anything about us. We have a difficult time committing to like people as well as plans. We're not really sure. We don't feel secure. We almost prefer to be completely void of relationships. We have. A lot of times we'll struggle with what I call a toxic independence, where we believe that only we can do things. We don't let anybody else help us. We'll have a really, really hard time accepting any help. And that's because in the past we probably couldn't depend on people or we did and they let us down, right? And so we we just don't want people around. So an avoidant person would want to cancel all the appointments and that would be probably what they would do. Those are my patients and I've had a lot of them in the past where they will cancel ahead of time or they'll no show and they still pay for their no show sessions. I've had a lot of patients do that over the years and I have to draw attention to it because it's it's very curious right. But it's a part of that like difficult time being vulnerable, letting people in and actually accepting help. So that's avoidant. Now, the reason I think it's disorganized is because you say it's a push pull and you want to cancel and then you want to increase your sessions because disorganized is kind of inconsistent and unpredictable. It's almost like a mix of avoidant and anxious. And if you don't know what anxious attachment is, it's almost like the opposite of avoidant. We like want people close. We don't feel okay when we're alone. We prefer to get other people's feedback before making a decision. You can see how it's like almost the complete opposite. So disorganized. It's kind of a combo between the two and it's causes us to have kind of inconsistent, unpredictable behaviors in relationships. I made some notes on reading them. If you're if you're watching us, we have an extreme fear of rejection. We can have a negative view of ourselves in others. We don't really know who to trust. We can feel like we want people close, but then we avoid closeness. So that push pull, that's really the key here and the why. The reason that I think this is disorganized, we can also be like, want to push somebody away, be really cold, and then be really warm and engage the next. It can be like feel like we're up and down, up and down. And if someone shows us too much love, we can like lash out at them. And so in your case, because you're wanting to increase and decrease these sessions, we have to let our therapist know that I think what it is is disorganized attachment, but it could be avoidant. Again, everybody's experience is different, but I really encourage you to let your therapist know I have an attachment based workshop available on my website. There's also Julie Mannino. She's a therapist, I think it's called The Secure Relationship is her Instagram. Now it's not is more specific to relationships, but she talks a lot about attachment. That's her specialty. She's an attachment based therapist. She's so kind. I really, really like Julie. So she also had a book come out recently called Secure Love. You can pick it up anywhere books are sold, but I really believe that we're going to need to do some attachment. We're going to need to understand where this is coming from. There might be some inner child work that comes as a result of that. Work with your therapist, but let them know you're experiencing this. It has nothing to do with your therapist being a good match or not. This has everything to do with your difficulties with attachment. You said I struggle with avoidant attachment. So that's what's triggering this. Therapy is a place where we're supposed to be vulnerable. We're supposed to talk about the things we don't talk about normally, and that can trigger attachment immediately. I think that's why we have so much transference and so many attachment issues that come up in therapy. We can be overly attached or want to push them away, and that's because of essentially how therapy works. It's the relationship in and of itself can be really triggering, which is great because then we can see what's happening and we can do something about it, right? Other times in our lives, it's like we can go along doing what we want to do and not think a thing of it as long as we, you know, avoid people to the right amount or attached to people to the right amount. But therapy brings it out and allows us to work on it. So let your therapist know. And just trust me when I tell you that it can and will get better.
Now let's go on to question number three. This question says Hi, Kati. Hello. How do we cope with being an extreme introvert but also being very lonely? It's a constant battle and I feel like a walking contradiction. There are often times when I want to go out and I crave connection, yet as soon as I start to socialize, I feel exhausted. I'm socially anxious, which I know may be a part of it. Yes, it's like you read my mind. But to be clear, I'm talking about the times when I'm calm and comfortable, but just so drained by small amounts of engagement. I feel like my personality is an old, crappy cell phone. The one where you charge a battery 100% think you're ready to go. But somehow in the red zone after 2 minutes of use alone. Well, I love that analogy. Any tips are appreciated. Love your podcast so much. So very much. You're amazing. I'm glad. Now a member of our community left a beautiful comment below this where she shared the things that she does to help herself feel better. And a lot of those I agree with. So let's get into some tips now. First, I want to explain the fact that extreme introverts, we can use that word if that feels real for you. But I want everybody to know that majority of people I'd argue like 90 or maybe 99% of people hang around this same space on the extrovert side and introvert side. And there's a line down the middle. Most of us are right towards the middle. You might be right on this outer edge of the introversion side, but no one is completely an introvert or completely an extrovert. And I think that's why I have a frustration with the way people talk about this online, because then it leads to situations like this where you're like, I'm an extreme introvert. I think I'm so introvert, but I'm lonely. And that's because we're all in this range and we still need connection to pretend that we don't need connection and we're just an introvert is really just social isolation, which is often part of depression and something that can make our mental health worse. So in this case, that's why you're feeling lonely and you need connection. But there are some tips and things that you can do to feel connected without feeling burnt out or overwhelmed. Okay. And first and I cannot tell you how much I loved the comment that this person left. Okay. Because it was so, so good. Now, if we're looking for connection, but we are an introvert, we first need to figure out what types of relationships or connections do we find to be the most fulfilling, the most breath in? We could even look to see not only the types of relationships with the types of activities. Those things are important because if we're just out there meeting people, like I'll be honest, I'm more of an extroverted type of person, like just on the cusp over introversion because I need a lot of time to recharge. But I love being around people. You know what? I hate small talk, so that's exhausting to me. I don't want that. I want deep connections with people. And I also love outdoor activities. So if I can combine those two. Ding, ding, ding. I'm feeling great. So that's why that's my first to find out what types of relationships you like and if there are any activities that you like. And those will allow us to be connected without being exhausted. We can also find activities where we don't really have to talk all the time or do things all the time. Let's say, I don't know, we're doing a pottery class or painting or watching a movie, going to a show, any kind of musical show, theater, show anything like that. That's a great thing because you can talk during the intermissions and on the way to the show, but then you get these breaks in between where you can just relax. Those are all great options. Okay. So those that's the first kind of thing. Types of relationships, types of activities, then time limits. And the reason I bring up time limits is because you said you get, like, exhausted right away. Maybe we only need, like, an hour. And so we can set up these get togethers with people that feel good for us and put these time limits on them. Like, Hey, I have an hour in between this and that. Do you want to grab a coffee real quick? I'm in your area. I can bring it by you swing in, then you're in control. You've swung into their place and you can make sure you leave. Those are some good things. Also, you know, like, I wanted to go. I don't know. Watch the soccer game. We know there's a time limit on it. Right. And I don't know what your time limit is, but you can cater the activities to meet that time limit and that can ensure that we feel we get we feel connected without feeling burnt out. And then the final tip that I have is to make sure that you take breaks. And I sounds like you are, but I want to make sure that we're not like booking ourselves or doing too much that we go all the way where we're drained or batteries completely drained. I want to make sure that we leave some so we get home. We can recharge up to 100% and then we can feel okay and we can engage again, again with a time limit. Okay. So just to reiterate, if we feel like we're an extreme introvert, but we're also feeling lonely here are, let's say, for tips on how to feel connected. Number one, find out the types of relationships that our breath in for you, things that you like. Maybe those are deep connections. Then we're going to find activities that we like to do. Could be great if these are time, time limited so that we know how long they're going to take. Then we also need to, you know, set the time. How long do we how long can we be social? Is it 30 minutes? Is it an hour? Is it 2 hours? 3 hours? What is it? And then we also need to take breaks. Are all these types of relationship types of activities time limit and taking breaks. And that can really help you feel more connected without feeling like you're in the red zone. Okay. There was an ad on it says, I can deeply relate to this. I'm an introvert, but I'm also diagnosed with social anxiety four years prior. I dread going to college because I fear that I won't make friends, although I desperately need the connection. But there are two issues The capacity of my social battery and my fear of non social settings like going outside because I fear getting kidnaped, but also staying at home alone because I fear that someone will break in or when I'm in crowds. But only if I don't see a way out like a crowded train. I feel the need to look over my shoulder to make sure no one is following. I don't know if something like complex PTSD or agoraphobia is part of the mix, but I feel like it now stretches way beyond my social anxiety and introversion. a lot of what you're experiencing is more complex PTSD related. When we feel like we're on edge, we're looking for the exit and we feel like we can't get out. That's more of a PTSD or agoraphobic response, and we'll get into that. We have a question later where going to dive into that more. But for the sake of this question, when when we feel when we have social anxiety, we also are more of an introvert. And I think those kind of go together because we start to believe that our social anxiety is actually our personality and we're more introverted. I would push back on that and say, we need to tease out what's our social, social anxiety and what's just our personality. I know that can be tricky, but just putting it out there. But the capacity, the social of our social battery, I feel like that's the thing that keeps coming up and that's why it's so incredibly important that we find the connections, the relationships, the people that are the most fulfilling to us because it's true connection with people that get us and we just get to be is recharging to our battery, not draining. And I know some of you were like, No, it's always draining. Then we probably should see a therapist and potentially consider medication for our anxiety because our anxiety is just so high that we can't even enjoy sitting with our best friend who knows everything about us and just being with them, like having lunch and catching up a little bit. We can't even do that. And that to me is more than introversion. That is social anxiety. And that means that we need to get treated for that. So that makes sense. And so if you find your battery, just like we need to get better treatment for our social anxiety, but if we if we feel like I don't have anxiety, it is introversion. Again, find those relationships that are fulfilling and set the time limit. Maybe right now it's only like 30 minutes. And that's okay to tell a friend like, Hey, I'm in your area can pop by for about 1530 minutes. Do you mind if I swing in and just catch up? We can do those kind of last minute short hangs as we kind of get used to the interaction, because I also and I know people don't want to talk about COVID anymore, but I also feel it's important to mention that our social muscle was like atrophied during COVID. And if we are immuno compromised or someone in our life was immune compromised, it potentially is still being atrophied because we're not forced to work it out anymore. And we took this huge break. And so now we're back out there because I feel this where I'm back out there trying to engage with people. And I used to love it and be like energized by it. And I am like white. And so just be patient with yourself as you rebuild this new muscle. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't keep building it, but it just means that it might take us a little bit longer to get back to where we used to be. Remember yourself in 2019. What were you like at that time? You know, maybe that's more a true testament of who we are. And this chaos happened in our world. Took some of that from us. But it doesn't mean we can't regain that strength. I'm working on it. You can work on it. Hang in there.
Okay. Let's move on to question number four. It's questions. Hi, Kati. I'm hoping for advice on helping ground a partner with extremely severe night terrors and panic attacks. My girlfriend has quite a lot of compounded trauma from past sexual abuse, domestic violence and past life threatening situations. Unfortunately, she suffers from these PTSD esque attacks multiple nights a week when I mean severe. I mean, during them. She seems to think she's back in an old abusive situation. See me initially as a threat. She cries, sweats, hyperventilate and trembles. Begs, begs No. And for it to stop what makes this harder is that physical touches her absolute biggest comfort. In the beginning, I can only watch of approach her attach to early, which has sent her spiraling worse yet camp. I'll now talk to her gently and have been better at seeing the moment in her eyes when she recognizes me or surfaces for a second. This is when I can offer my hand, rub her arm and she usually crumbles right into me. So I can hold and rock her. The attacks at this point will still average about 45 minutes or so until she falls asleep, which seems worryingly long. It's such a physical mental strain on her and I can always see the effects the next day. I feel like a traitor to say that this can be exhausting as nothing. And nobody has broken my heart more than watching her go through this on a weekly basis. I was wondering if you had any advice about timing my physical touch outside of watching her eyes, if there are ways to calm her down or have her recognize me faster, Someone told me to restrain her. No. Which I would not and would never do. Neither of us can afford therapy at the moment. That was going to be my number one, but I've been saving up, so we hope we can hopefully soon. I love every bit of her and I'm not wishing away these attacks, even if they are part of her. I'd just like to better understand what she's seen and feeling she doesn't often remember and how and how I can be a better partner that she needs because I'm not going anywhere. Thank you endlessly. First of all, your partner is very lucky to have you and you're doing everything that I would recommend. The best thing that you can do outside of what you're doing is obviously getting into therapy and there are free options available. I mean, there is even just like crisis text line. So you can text 741741 anywhere in the United States, Canada, the UK, Mexico. I think now too, you can check it out on their website. Make sure you can text 741741 and there are trained crisis counselors to talk her through to help you through any of this. Next up, there is hope for recovery. That's hope the number for recovery dot org. Now they have free trauma groups available even have somatic based like trauma informed yoga, all sorts of good stuff. They are wonderful. That could be another resource. There's also low costs like better help. I have links in all my descriptions. You get a discount if you use my code. That could be a way for you to get some extra support. And there's different levels depending on your ability to afford it. And they also offer free therapy for people who can't afford it. So you could apply for that as well. Okay. All that to say that you're doing everything you can, you have to talk to her and let her tell you I can't tell you how to best support her because only she knows. And even if she doesn't remember, you're doing the things that I would say. Whenever my patients dissociate or going into a flashback in my office, I always try talking first. And as soon as I recognize it, I start talking. So I know it's different because it's sleep and it might take you a while to wake, but as soon as you do start talking, start saying stuff to her like, Hey, come back to me. I see you. You're here, you're safe. We're okay. We're in bed. Used to start talking about where you are and who you are and what's happening. Unless she tells you not to. Again, we don't know what it feels like for her, so I always want to defer to her. But you're doing everything that I would do. I we start talking first and then you said touches the next best thing and you said that once you see her come back, then you'll offer touch. And that's been good. So keep doing that. That that's fine. But check in with her. You know, if she can remember anything of the time, ask her if there's anything else you can do. Because aside from therapy, you're doing it. And I think finding some maybe free options of therapy could really help and help you move along more quickly, help her heal more quickly, because, man, those nightmares are crazy. Also, I do want to let you know and I know how uncomfortable they are, but there are medications if you can get in to see a doctor, if you have basic like regular mental or regular health care, not mental health care medications like prazosin I wrote down the other topics. I couldn't remember them. nitrazepam and triazolam You talk to your doctor, say, or your partner can talk to their doctor and let them know, Hey, I'm having these nightmares of trauma like these night terrors and I can't sleep and it wakes you up multiple times a week and it just ruins my next day. I'm just exhausted. I've we have people in our community who have found prison to be incredibly helpful. It can get us through until we've processed enough of the trauma, until your partner feels like it's not so intense for her. Then then we can maybe go off the medication, but it's something that she might want to take right now to help alleviate those symptoms. Okay, I hope that's helpful. You're doing amazingly well. Even the fact you're asking me for more advice. Your partner is lucky to have you. Okay. There was a comment on this said, Hey, Kati, do you have any advice for managing PTSD night terrors and nightmares? They've gotten so much more frequent since starting therapy. That can happen. We haven't started EMDR. We're just working on grounding techniques, etc. At the moment, some I can remember Trauma memories and others I can't remember. But I scream and sleepwalk, waking up panicked halfway down the hall or trying to leave the house. It's making me nervous that my symptoms are worsening before we've even started the hard work. Will it continue to get worse before it gets better? I'm not sure what to do. Thank you in advance for any help or advice. Sending love to the to the up to the OP. a couple of things. First of all, the medication, let's see if we can get on that just for a short time because it does get worse before it gets better. But it does get better. Okay, But let your therapist know you're experiencing this. Okay. Now, medications, what I would recommend, because you're already in therapy and you're going to be doing the work as a safety precaution. I've had patients, I've asked them to put padlocks. I know this sounds so crazy. Padlocks either on the door of their room or on the door out of the house. And the reason that I say that put it at the very top where you have to like get on a step stool to unlock it and lock it up at night because I don't want you walking out of your house. And if you live with roommates or you feel like you could trip down some stairs, I don't want you walking out of your room. And I know some people might be like, that's, you know, triggering. Or what if I have to go to the bathroom? Whatever you can do, put a, you know, a baby gate up in front of the stairs if you know anything, just to help prevent this from happening. Because I don't want you leaving your house. I have had patients walk out of their home and I don't want you doing that. That that's scary to me because we're not in our right mind. We might not even be fully conscious. I don't want you walking into the road or somebody. I just. Let's not. So aside from continuing in the therapy, letting your therapist know, I want you to look into the medications that can be helpful for nightmares, night terrors, and then safety and those things like the padlocks or baby gates. You can get them all on Amazon. They're pretty reasonably priced. I want to say my patients spent like 20 bucks on things. Install them, just screw them in if you have a drill. If not, you can do it by hand, a little extra work, but maybe have somebody come over and help you. Let's protect ourselves because it may be even just putting a chair in front of the door, making it harder for you so that you don't escape your home safety first. Okay, But hang in there. It does get better, but let your therapist know because maybe we need more support, more wind down after session, more like what I'd call kind of contain them. Because sometimes when we start talking in therapy, even just the idea that we're going to be doing this work and, we can feel overwhelmed and disregulated, and it's like we need our therapist to kind of contain it. Maybe we need to be putting all that we're feeling into it. Talked about this last week, like having a container exercise where at the end of your session you open up a container, whatever your container looks like, that's up to you and you kind of dump I picture myself like opening my brain and dunking it. And I don't know why, but you dump all that's come up in your session, you just dump it in there and then you lock it up and you leave it for next time. And sometimes that containment exercise can help us feel more regulated when we're out of session. But see what works for you.
Okay, Moving on. Question number five, It says, Hey, Kati, what's the difference between complex PTSD and agoraphobia? Also in terms of treatment? For example, going outside makes me anxious because I fear getting kidnaped or harmed in any way. But also staying home alone gives me anxiety because I fear that someone's going to break in and I get panicky when I'm in crowds, but only if I don't see a way out. All in all, I feel paranoid because I, quote unquote, need to look over my shoulder to make sure that no one is following. And I really dread going back to university. I'd rather stay at home. Okay, great question. There are some similarities and some differences. Now, complex PTSD means that we avoid anything that reminds us of the trauma. So we won't want to be in a situation that in some way feels like the trauma we already sustained. So let's say that, I don't know. Our abuse happened in an alleyway, so we're not going to want to walk alone at night ever. Not down in the alleyways for fucking sure, but maybe not even down any roads. And the more we give into this, the more we don't walk down the alleyway. Again, I'm not saying put yourself in dangerous situations. Just hang in here with my example so we won't want to walk down the alleyways at all. And we never do. And then it expands and extends into the fact that we don't want to walk out anywhere by ourselves. Or maybe it starts at night and then it moves into any time of day. Right? And it slowly makes our world smaller because there's less and less and less that we are supposed to do, or that's safe for us to do. So that's what PTSD is, at least with regard to the question that you asked here. Now, agoraphobia, on the other hand, does have part of what you're mentioning in your question, where you if you're in a crowded place and you feel like you like, you can't fight, you don't see an exit, that's agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is anxiety driven. It occurs when we're in a public or crowded place. And to leave would be really difficult and we might not be able to we're not really sure. So we kind of fear that a panic attack or panic like symptoms are going to occur when we're out in public in a crowded place and won't be able to get out of there. Okay. So you can see how there's some overlap in those symptoms. But there's so much more to PTSD, especially complex PTSD, things like difficulty with our identity, difficulty regulating our emotions, struggles and relationships being hyper vigilant. If your feeling like we're under threat all the time, those are different and not related to agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is anxiety driven, specific, and it's also very specific to crowds and us having a panic attack or anxiety attack in a crowd and not being able to get out of there. So those are different. However, treatment can be very similar in the fact that some of the best treatments for trauma aside from obviously there's like EMDR, somatic experiencing and things like that that I believe are beneficial there. The most research proves that exposure therapy is best. Now I'm sure new stuff will come out. There's also like psilocybin research going on now for the treatment of complex PTSD, and it's showing great, great promise. But both complex PTSD and agoraphobia can be treated through exposure therapy. Now, you want to do this with a therapist who really understands it. It's what they do all the time. They probably specialize in anxiety treatments and exposure therapy itself. That's going to be the most beneficial. However, again, because there are differences between complex PTSD and agoraphobia, complex PTSD is going to I believe it's always going to need some kind of somatic portion to it. Talk therapy is great, but we find that most traumas are stored in our bodies. We have body memories and there's, you know, research that proves that for generations it's been passed down. And so through our bodies, through our cellular memory. And so I believe for full resolution of our PTSD symptoms, we're going to do some kind of somatic work. But that's really the difference. I hope that makes sense. Treatments can be the same, but I feel like trauma is going to need a little different piece to it. The other is a little bit of overlap. I feel like you're paranoid. Having to look over your shoulder is related to your PTSD, and I feel like the getting panic in crowds if you don't see a way out could be agoraphobia. Not wanting to leave home would be agoraphobia too. But you said that you fear someone's going to break in. That sounds more complex PTSD to me potentially, but yeah, I hope that helps. Kind of tease that out. I know it can be confusing sometimes. That's why we need to see a mental health professional. They can help us kind of make sense of all of our symptoms. They can talk to you, ask questions, and so we can figure out if we have both of those diagnoses or if we have only one. And I don't say only to minimize, to say not both one and then what treatments would be best and most beneficial for us.
Final question. Question number six says, Hi, Kati. Can you please talk about how it affects a child for a parent to laugh and make jokes about their self-harm when they notice it? I feel so fucked up from everything that happened and I still self-harm years later. I also had sexual abuse as a child from a family member. They got shushed and never spoken about. I am so sorry that you had to go through any of this. The sexual abuse as a child, the fact that your family shushed it and didn't talk about it, and now the fact that they laugh and make jokes about something that is very, very it's like personal can feel very vulnerable and probably our only way to cope. So the effects of this have on a child, first of all, can make it worse, can make our self-injury worse. The number one thing I tell people when they're in my office, parents, spouses, friends, is you can ask questions about it. If if my patient said it's okay, because a lot of people don't even want questions to be asked about it, You ask questions about it, but make sure that they're caring, seeking to understand and not jumping to any conclusions. And that's it. And other than that, any jokes and laughing can just feel incredibly, incredibly wounding and hurtful. I believe it could cause us to to to fall into a big bout of depression or feeling more anxious about or self-injury, more shame thoughts. We have trauma in our past. So suicidal thoughts, shame thoughts, all of the above. Our self-esteem can just go in the shitter. Those are all things that I would assume could happen as a result of this. I'm so I'm so sorry that your parents were are so bad at their job that they don't know how to support their child and to try to seek to understand and love on you and help you feel heard and understood. But I would assume that that's probably part of the whole dynamic within your family. I can't encourage you to get into therapy enough. Join our community. We have a Kati group over on Facebook. If you're just looking for some support from your peers. We also have a great group over on Patron and on YouTube. In the Livestreams you can chat and talk. There's also, like I said, the hope for recovery. The hope number for recovery dot org is a great free resource for therapy. There's also, you know, cheaper therapies available online through better help or talkspace. I have a betterhelp link in all my descriptions. We need to get you some more support. You're not alone. I'm so sorry that they did this to you. I honestly think the laughing and making jokes is a form of emotional abuse because they're poking fun at something that is so personal to you and so painful. And it's just it's right and it's not okay. And I'm so sorry that they don't understand. There's a great book. It's actually in my Amazon store. Go to Amazon.com forward, slash forward slash Kati Morton And I believe it's called Self-injury. Let me see you guys. cutting. That's what it's called. It didn't even come up. But I remember just by searching. Isn't it funny how your brain can do that when you look for something I the book, it's called Cutting. It's it's really great. You'll see it It's like a blue cover. It's in my Amazon shop. Like I said, I find it to be incredibly helpful. It's incredibly healing for a lot of my patients to read about, about something they struggle with from someone who actually gets it. It's a beautiful, beautiful book. You are not fucked up from everything that's happened. You can heal. We need to get you some trauma support and trauma therapy. Like I said, hope for recovery is a great place to start now and know that with the right support and potentially minimizing the amount of time you spend with your family and the amount of time you're around them and listen to them or even talk to them about what's going on with you, the better you might be. Because if they're going to do and say things like this, that's not going to be a safe place for you to to work through this and to be around them while you process all that you've been through and all that they've put you through. And so I believe with the support in minimizing your time with them, you can and will get better. Okay, Hang in there. I love you all. Thank you so much for listening and watching this week. You for sending in your questions. If you're new here, ask for the questions on Sunday's around 2 p.m. Central over on my community tab here on YouTube. If you go to my channel and you go to the community tab, I ask for them there. You can ask your questions. I pick them out on Mondays and I record these on Mondays to be released on two weeks ahead. So be patient. I will get around to it. If I heart your question, that means that I will be answering it. Thank you all so much for listening and watching and sharing this podcast. It really does help. Take care of yourselves, Do your homework and I'll see you next time by
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Here are the loose “chapters” in this episode.
0:00: 🔑 Exploring self-victimization, avoidant attachment, and mental health workshops for self-improvement.
3:49: ⚕️ Importance of seeking help for managing depressive symptoms and exploring different medications.
7:36: 💪 Empower yourself and acknowledge your efforts in overcoming challenges, while setting boundaries with hurtful individuals.
11:36: 💔 Struggle with toxic independence, avoiding relationships, and difficulty accepting help due to past disappointments.
15:30: 💡 Struggling with introversion and loneliness, seeking tips to manage social exhaustion and anxiety.
19:29: ⏳ Tips for managing social activities as an introvert to prevent burnout and ensure recharge.
23:26: ⏳ Importance of rebuilding social interaction muscle post-pandemic and being patient with oneself.
27:08: ⚡ Tips on supporting someone experiencing dissociation or flashbacks.
30:48: ⚠️ Tips to prevent sleepwalking and ensure safety at home.
34:49: 🧠 Distinguishing between agoraphobia and complex PTSD, and their treatment through exposure therapy.
38:47: ⚠️ Impact of negative parenting on mental health, leading to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
Recap for https://youtu.be/KnYKI46ZZAM by Tammy AI
